JOSEPH’S HOMECOMING

A true story of acknowledgment, forgiveness, and love

This is the story of a woman who, three decades after having an abortion, had finally recognized her bodies symptoms as a call to process and grieve the loss of her baby.

Numerous women have encountered the same agonizing decision to end a pregnancy. Many carry feelings of shame and have kept their experience buried deep within. Some may never have acknowledged their loss or allowed themselves the opportunity to grieve. 

This story is shared to recognize and validate the enduring grief that may persist for a lifetime and to help pave a path towards healing.

At age 48, Mary Margaret Flynn had been dealing with a variety of health conditions, including chronic pelvic pain and polycystic ovarian syndrome. Although Mary Margaret eventually underwent a total hysterectomy, she continued to experience pelvic pain that she referred to as her phantom ovary. She had come to see me for coaching to develop skills that would help her manage stress and anxiety. She continued to see her healthcare provider for follow-up of her physical problems.

Because Mary Margaret and I were not making much progress with traditional coaching modalities, we decided to give her body a chance to “speak.” The session began with a 20-minute-long deep relaxation period. Once she was fully relaxed, she was able to commence her “work” and, ultimately, her healing process. The session went as follows:

Coach: Go into your body and see if there’s any area that is drawing your attention to it.

Mary Margaret: My right ovary.

Coach: Go to that area. What do you notice?

Mary Margaret: A black mass with a light, a halo, around it.

Coach: What is it doing?

Mary Margaret: It is vibrating and moving.

Coach: In what way is it moving?

Mary Margaret: Up and down and side to side.

Coach: Now what is it doing?

Mary Margaret: It is spreading across my body to my left side and then going down my right leg.

Coach: Ask it why it’s going down your leg.

Mary Margaret: It is searching for a vein.

Coach: Ask it why it is looking for a vein.

Mary Margaret: It needs a blood supply.

Coach: Ask it why it needs a blood supply.

Mary Margaret: To heal.

Coach: What else does it need to heal?

Mary Margaret: It needs warmth and acknowledgment, and it needs light.

Coach: What else?

Mary Margaret: It needs forgiveness.

Coach: Ask it what else it needs.

Mary Margaret: It is saying, “Get me out of here.”

Coach: Where does it want to go?

Mary Margaret: To my heart.

Coach: Okay. Put it in your heart…is it in your heart?

Mary Margaret: Yes, it’s in my heart, where it belongs. It’s saying, “My name is Joseph.”

She knew at that moment who Joseph was. Mary Margaret had an abortion when she was 18 years old. Because of her age and her family circumstances, she believed that she had no other choice. She experienced a tremendous amount of shame, and guilt and couldn’t share her feelings with anyone. Her father was dying, and her mother was dependent on her. It was up to Mary Margaret to take care of both her parents during this difficult time. There was no one in whom she could confide about her abortion or to whom she could express her grief. She carried this emotional pain, burying it deep within her body for nearly 30 years.

Coach: Okay. Now what do you notice?

Mary Margaret: My arms are tingling.

Therapist: Ask your arms why they are tingling.

Mary Margaret: They want to hold Joseph.

Therapists: Okay. Let them hold Joseph.

Mary Margaret: I am. He is my baby.

The weekend following our session, Mary Margaret attended Mass. The priest was renewing members of the congregation’s baptism rights. Mary Margaret envisioned herself baptizing Joseph. Mary Margaret held her “baby” in her arms and reached up toward the light in the sky. She was, in essence, delivering her baby into the hands of God.

Over the next few months, she continued to move forward through her healing process.  Mary Margaret pictured Joseph as a baby, sitting in his car seat behind her. She saw him as a toddler, exploring her house and playfully peeking around corners. She imagined him as a child, playing ball with her, and as a teenager, sitting in the passenger seat of her car. As he grew into adulthood the images faded and her pelvic pain was gone. Joseph now lives on in her heart, where he always belonged and where he will now stay with her forever, in the presence of light and her love.

Mary Margaret’s decision of 30 years ago no longer needed to be shrouded in darkness and shame. Her grief no longer needed to be buried. Once her body was allowed to feel, to acknowledge, to forgive, and to love she could finally heal. Women like Mary Margaret—and their numbers are substantial—need no longer keep their pain and grief buried deep inside their bodies. Emotional pain and grief are real, creating dense energetic blocks within the body leading to a slew of unexplained symptoms such as depression, pain, and even physical disease. Yet, in order for our bodies to heal, we must first feel our pain.  Our bodies cannot tolerate the burden of carrying unfinished business. Is it time for you to acknowledge your own unfinished business? I urge you to listen to your internal wisdom, which will guide you into a space of self-compassion, love, and healing.